My Wall of Love

I call it my wall of love…I sit and stare…I look at the pictures…I read the words…my very own wall of love…

                I’ve spent the last few days packing.  My husband and I will be moving down to a smaller apartment next week to save on expenses.  I do my third chemotherapy tomorrow and by the time I start to recover it will be time to leave.  We knew all along this might be a possibility, and at first I thought I would be sad to say good bye to our place.  It’s been a very happy home these past two years with some wonderful memories, but it turns out I’m not sad at all.  Quite the opposite, actually.  The new place is smaller, yes, but that means less to clean, less to trouble with, less to distract. 

It turns out I care very little about which four walls are surrounding me.  I care very little about how far those four walls are spread out or where those four walls are sitting, because those four walls don’t make me happy and they certainly don’t make memories.  Those four walls don’t make a home.  Home is Adam.  Home is our kitties.  Home is our friends and family who love and support us.  And that’s a home my husband and I will always have no matter where we live.  We are really very fortunate.

                In the process of packing, I became overwhelmed with a need to say thank you to all of the people who have helped Adam and I thus far on our journey.  Everywhere I turned there were tokens of your love, and every packed box has a hint of your support.  I began to wonder if you knew how much your gestures mean?  If you knew how much you were loved in return?  If you knew the smallest hello can mean the biggest source of comfort?  Maybe.  But maybe not, and I want you to know all of those things.

                I am not going to attempt to recount and thank all of the gestures that have moved us.  It would be impossible, and I’m afraid this blog entry would be too long to comfortably read in one sitting.  We are talking countless meals, many of which have been delivered to our doorstep.  We are talking beautiful bouquets of flowers to cheer to even the dreariest of days.  We are talking care packages of such thought and beauty that I’ve literally wept when I opened them.  We are talking conversations…simple words that many of you will never even know how much they meant to me.

                No, I cannot recount them all.  But I still want to let you see into this window.  This private window of what happens after your part supposedly ended… 

After you’ve hung up the phone. 

After you’ve walked away. 

After you’ve hit send on your computer. 

After you’ve left the post office. 

After I’m sitting here alone in my world. 

I want you to know your part hasn’t ended.  Your love, your beauty, your support, your understanding…it lingers.  I want you to know about my wall…

                It started with a trip to the mailbox. We received a card.  One beautiful card wishing us the best and sending support as Adam and I began our battle against cancer.  We read it and we smiled (which is no small feat when you are first introduced to cancer).  We put the card on our refrigerator for safe keeping.

The next morning I woke up and I re-read the card as I sat drinking my coffee.  I realized this one little card I could read over and over again and feel touched that this person reached out to offer their love.  I said my quiet thank you and went out to check the mail again.  Among the sea of medical bills I had yet another surprise…two cards.

As the days continued to pass and the mail continued to come, our refrigerator door became full.  The cards grew out onto our pantry door and then eventually even the door couldn’t contain them anymore.  We got push pins and started pinning them on the kitchen wall.  Before I knew it we had a whole wall of cards and notes from people like you…our friends, our family, some who have sent multiple cards, and even some from people we barely knew.  Each card filled with as much love as the first.  I called it my wall of love.

My wall of love is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.  Each card represents a personality of someone in our lives.  There are so many different colors, pictures, and handwritings and when you put them all together your heart beats to the rhythm of love, happiness and peace.

Not only is my wall of love beautiful to see, but it’s beautiful to read…  

I want you to know when I am happy, I read your words and I find strength. 

I want you to know when I am sad, I read your words and I find support. 

I want you to know when I am angry, I read your words and I find comfort. 

Basically, I want you to know I read your words and I find your love…so much love. 

I don’t feel I could ever thank everyone enough for the things they have done.  I don’t think I could ever show how much each gesture or thought means to Adam and I.  But I can tell you that in the process of packing up my wall of love, I read each card, I felt each of you packing with me, and I cried as your words carried some of the burden of my journey.  Even now, my wall of love has been turned into a box of love, but it sits here beside me…a part of our home for our next set of walls.