I haven’t posted in a couple weeks. Part of the reason is this last chemotherapy was very difficult. Not only did it take me longer to recover, but I was much sicker than I have been in the past and experienced brand new side effects. My throat was reacting to the drugs and it triggered my gag reflex. Even after I overcame the nausea I was gagging for no reason on a throat that felt like it was covered in pepper.
This, however, is not the only reason. I started to feel better a couple days ago, and I’ve sat down to write a blog several times. Everything I write just hasn’t come out the way I’m hoping it would. My words taste a little bitter this week. My thoughts are running a little darker. I expected they might, because I’ve also struggled with depression since my last chemotherapy.
Depression. Maybe it’s my natural instinct to share little and smile a lot, but depression is a hard word for me to say. My oncologist, who has seen every embarrassing aspect of my cancer, had to coax the word out of me before I’d admit it. And you know what he said? He said, “Yeah. It’s situational. I’m not going to prescribe anything.” I sighed in relief, because him not trying to “cure” it told me nothing was wrong with being depressed. I have cancer. It happens.
But I get scared when I’m depressed, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. In my mind I already know it is okay. This last chemotherapy I spent three days crying before I felt happy again. This one was the longest, but it has happened after every single treatment, and while people called to check on me, no one knows except my husband. For some reason I feel like he’s the only one who would understand.
It’s funny, because in this blog I am willing to share intimate details about my body, my relationships and my treatments, but this will easily be the hardest entry I’ve had to post…and right now, that just feels crazy to me. It is normal for me to feel depressed when I have cancer. However, showing it fights against twenty eight years of keeping my emotions safely inside. You may think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. Do you know how I reacted to the doctor telling me I had cancer? I stared at him. I said, “Okay.” I let him talk. I waited for him to leave and I shed approximately three tears before making myself stop, and I waited until I was all the home so that no one but Adam would see me break down. I called my entire list of family and friends and told them the news without crying a single time. I’m telling you. I’m professional at holding it in.
In the process of thinking about all of this I did come up with a few things that stand in the way of my emotional sharing. I’m reminded of the old line, “It’s not you. It’s me.” You see, I’m going to list what I am afraid of, but it is important to me that no one assume they have made me feel this way. More than likely I’ve never even given you the chance to make me feel this way, which also means I haven’t given you the chance to prove me wrong either. I also haven’t told you what I need. And that’s my fault. So here we go…this is why I don’t want people to know I’m depressed:
1.) I don’t like to make other people worry.
2.) I am afraid that people won’t think I am strong, which is a quality I value.
3.) I am afraid that people won’t think of me as a positive person, which is a quality I value.
4.) I feel embarrassed to react with depression when I know other people have it worse than me.
5.) I am afraid that if I show emotion once people will expect me to share those feelings regularly which I cannot do. Specifically I worry people will start asking how I feel about things emotionally before I am ready to talk about it.
6.) My depressions are very real, but also very short lived, and I worry people will not believe me once I am feeling better.
7.) I am afraid of people “babying” me. I really hate that. I didn’t even like it when I was a kid and it has only gotten worse with age.
8.) I am afraid people will try to be overly positive. If I am depressed and I happen to share that window with someone, the best thing they can do is get mad with me, get sad with me or make a joke. Them trying to be positive makes me feel like my emotions aren’t justified which makes sharing them even harder. This is also connected to number 3. I am already a positive person, but I am still allowed my moments of darkness. If someone tries to brighten my moment of darkness by being positive, I will feel like they don’t think I’m a positive enough person to already see those things.
9.) I like to be people’s rock. I worry if I show weakness they won’t lean on me anymore.
I believe that mostly covers why I have trouble with the word depression. I’m posting this list in hopes that if my readers already know my fears they will read my darker blogs with them in mind. I will do my best to share more openly, which will also mean more frequently. I want this blog to be an absolutely honest portrayal of what I am going through, and I cannot do that if I am worried about showing one of the biggest emotions involved in having cancer.
Just a little note...
ReplyDeleteYou are one of those rare individuals that, for lack of a better term, I tend to refer to as “vibrant people”: those who have a truly natural innate goodness to them, who have an unmistakably sincere generosity of the spirit, and are like living beacons whose “soul-light” literally brightens up any space they happen to be occupying at any given time. You have what could best be called an “aura” about you that is invisible to the naked eye, yet can be fully sensed by anyone within your proximity. The effect is always positive.
Having said that, you are, of course, fully entitled to your dark moments, bouts of depression, anger, and all other negative emotions, just as anyone else on this Earth is. Even those who are revered as spiritual leaders, like the Dalai Lama or the Pope, for example, have their off-days, right? So, even though you are a vibrant person, you are merely human as well. And as humans, we are as much beings of energy as we are beings of physical form, and that energy naturally drains out of us from time to time, leaving us vulnerable to negative emotions, which we then need to release in order to recharge ourselves back into the positive end of the spectrum. Cancer surely creates a lot of drain, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. And naturally, the depression, etc., that you are experiencing are surely direct aspects of that drain. So be still and cry as much as you need to, or shout at the top of your lungs to the heavens above, or do whatever it is you feel you need to do to acknowledge (and then release) those negative feelings that you are feeling. It will by no means be held against you by anyone.
And be not afraid either, concerning your emotions, for you are loved, and with that love also comes understanding. The emotional rollercoaster you are on will no doubt continue for some time, and that is natural and to be expected. I think I can safely say no one will be judging you about any of it one little bit.
Keep within your heart, always, the knowledge that you are surrounded by the love of family and friends, all of whom who will understand when you have to take time to contend with, and express outwardly, those darker moments of your experience. No one will ever think any less of you for it. As family, as friends, we are all here for you and will be as helpful and as understanding as you need us to be.
In time, after the darker moments have passed, your soul will fill you up with positive energy again, and the place you are in will immediately brighten… for you and for those near to you.
Wishing you blessings and a speedy recovery,
Robert
Wow. Thank you, Robert. Those words really meant a lot to me and brought me peace. :)
ReplyDeletei agree with what robert said completely....thank you so much for being so candid in your posts!!
ReplyDelete