Marbles

                I had a dream, if a dream is what it can be called.  It was more of a memory or a feeling of a time both not long past and a lifetime gone.  There was no story other than the glimpses from a time already told, not even a full year in the passing.

                It was autumn.

                I stood in the kitchen of our last apartment, preparing dinner and talking to Adam as he played with Maggie at the island.  It was simple, and loving and autumn.

                I talked on the phone to my brother, and we laughed at our own personal goblins when laughing was still enough to ease the anger.  It was healing, and fun and autumn.

                I smiled at Adam as we stood outside in the cold night air, surrounded by friends and drinks and stories.  It was exciting, and belonging and autumn.

                I battled orcs and drakes with Adam until three in the morning while sitting at the table in our sunroom.  It was playful, and comfortable and autumn.

                I drove down the road with my windows down, not because the air was cool, but because it was slightly too cool.  It was invigorating, and refreshing and autumn.

                I laughed as Adam, Steve and I spilt a case and delved into solving the problems of life, work and the world itself.  It was comforting, and entertaining and autumn.

                There were so many memories.  Brief glimpses of small yet significant time filled with family, friends and life. 

                I had gone to bed feeling sad, although I could not name what was weighing on me.  I felt like I was missing something when nothing seemed to be missing.  A shadow of nostalgia when no memories came to mind.  Maybe it had been the slight chill in last night’s air.  Maybe it was because I had stood outside staring at the moon thinking on the season to come…whatever it was, it awakened an unnamed sadness until I dreamed a dream that would name it.

                At first I thought I missed these specific memories.  Last fall was a beautiful season filled with so many wonderful times.  But then I realized that none of these times were things that could not be done again this year.  No, it is not the events that I missed, as much as I had loved them, it is the feelings they gave me as they occurred.  It is the simple, the loving, the healing, the fun, the exciting, the belonging, the playful…all of them wrapped up in one autumn that I never thought would end. 

                But, no, even that was not quite right.

                Those feelings are not what is missing.  They are still here, but something is different.  And when I really push myself to find what is no longer here, the best way I can describe it is innocence.  An innocence that I did not know I had, until it was already gone.  The events have not changed.  The feelings have not changed.  I have.

                The change is not all for the worse.  I have gained.  I have learned.  I have grown.  But I have also lost.  And even when I am thankful for the things this past year has brought me, there are still those nights where I feel the cool breeze of the upcoming fall and I stop and remember.  There are still those nights where I miss how it used to be so much it is hard to breathe.  There are still those nights where I remember a life that feels both familiar and foreign, and I wish I could go back just one more time, to feel the way I felt before I changed, and the world seemed to change with me.