This post is a blog of do nots. It may sound like a bit of a rant, but I also think you might find it to be entertaining. Read this posting with two very important things in mind. First, it was not you. J Do not assume it was you and if you think there is some crazy chance it was? It was not. Second, these interactions are literally the exception. While I may have one of these encounters they are in the midst of ninety nine other interactions that are absolutely beautiful and filled with love, encouragement and support. I just feel that they, as well as the good, hold their own place in this journey of cancer, and so I’m including them here to vent, to share a more whole picture and to laugh…because it certainly deserves a good laugh…Enjoy!
1.) The Miss Port-a-Cath Pageant
I was recently approached by another woman who was newly diagnosed with breast cancer. She had her port-a-cath put in about a week or two previous and asked if she could see mine. I said sure and pulled the collar of my shirt aside to show her. She looked at it and said, “Mine doesn’t look that stretched and gross,” with a look of mild disgust on her face…First of all, my port-a-cath does not look gross, and even if it did, it is saving my life which makes it pretty freaking beautiful so maybe you need to reconsider your perspective on what is gross. Second of all, my port-a-cath is more visible, because of my thin frame as opposed to others who may have a little more cushion for the device. That is common sense. Third of all, I’m sorry, but yours had better be freaking diamond studded or something before you think you have any place to tell another person that your port-a-cath is more attractive than theirs, and I seriously doubt it is. Fourth of all, just don’t be rude.
2.) The Divine Secrets of the Ta Ta Sisterhood? It's A Club You've Gotta Know The People To Get In
A couple days ago I got cornered talking to a woman I hardly know, and who hardly knows me when she looked at my chest and asked, “So when are you getting your new boobs put in?” This sadly was not the first time a stranger has asked me about my boobs, or lack thereof. Anyone reading my blog can assume I am fairly open about my cancer and my treatments, but there are a couple things to remember if you wish to be tactful in your questions.
A.) It is easier for me to talk about personal things over a blog, because there is a clear disconnect with internet communication. It is a tool that allows me to let some people who I do not intimately know into my world, and have them get some answers to their questions without feeling awkward. Outside of my blog, I am as comfortable discussing my boobs with strangers as you can probably assume I am. Perhaps ask yourself, "Have I been stopped recently by a stranger and asked about my boobs?" If not, then you may want to resist doing it to other people. Now obviously, if I know you, if you are someone that say has actually spent time with me as a real person and you are curious about that process and my decision, then I am a lot more at ease talking about it so do not fear you have ever asked too much. As a matter of fact, most things I enjoy talking about as long as it is an open, un-judging discussion with people with whom I feel safe. However, if say you only know me, because someone pointed me out to you as the girl with cancer or because I have served you coffee before, or you do not even know my name please respect some boundaries and maybe show more interest in how my health is as opposed to whether or not I have boobs.
B.) People should stop assuming I am getting reconstruction and stop being shocked when I tell them I may not. Reconstruction is not as easy as say getting a cavity filled in a tooth. A cavity is much easier to fix and it is needed for your physical health. That would be an easy decision in my opinion, but people seem to think breast reconstruction falls along the same lines and this is not true. It is a major decision which involves a lot of emotional, psychological, physical, and financial consideration. Most of the time, I lean toward not doing reconstruction given my particular cancer, mind, body, relationship, beliefs, perception…the list could go on and I could also change my mind tomorrow. Maybe most women seem to have some sort of reconstruction done, but that does not mean it is what all women should do and it certainly does not mean it is what I am going to do. I see both choices to be very valid choices, and if you do not…well, not to be harsh, I do not really care. That is why you have your own boobs to make decisions about, so you do not have to judge mine.
3.) The Song Should Have Went "You Say Hello, You Say Hello, You Say Hello, You say Hello, You Say Hello, I Say Goodbye."
I get phone calls and texts from people wanting to check in on me and that is a really good thing. I have so many loving and supportive people in my life and I feel so blessed by the relationships I have. That is not a do not. What is a do not is taking those phone calls and texts to some weird possessive level. If you have tried to contact me and I have not returned your contact within a couple hours it really is not acceptable to start blowing up my phone demanding to know if I am okay or what I am doing or if I am somehow mad at you. I really do not understand this response and it stresses me out like crazy, because I certainly do not want you to feel in any way slighted, but I also do not understand this reaction at all and you have switched over to annoying me. Why take something so sweet and simple as a check-in hello (that you know I always return) and turn it into something stressful on both parties?
Let us really consider for a minute the three reasons you believe have kept me from responding:
A.) I’m not okay….
I understand you being worried, because I have cancer and would like to know I’m handling it well, but my first reaction to this is to remind you that cancer does not make people disappear. Just because I did not respond to you within a couple hours does in no way mean I have suddenly keeled over without warning. Now, let us even suppose it could. Would continuing to text and call repeatedly when I am obviously not okay enough to respond help you solve this riddle? Of course not. If you are worried I am too sick to answer my phone why would you keep trying to reach me through my phone? That is just silly and you are letting your imagination get away with you. Now I will give you some credit and acknowledge that there is some small chance that something has happened and I am not okay. If you are close enough in my life that you call and text regularly, do you not think you would find out about it? Maybe you would not know right at that second, because clearly I cannot use my phone to tell you, but certainly you would find out as soon as someone was able to tell you. Maybe you should assume the opposite and know that I am okay unless you have been told I am not. And if I am not okay? You will find out when it is time to know and not because you sent ten texts or messages, but because I would respond to the first one as I always have and always will…when it is time. Maybe I am not okay and I just do not feel like talking about it right then? I do have that right, I believe, especially when I have always been someone who will talk about it when I’m ready. Basically I am saying…chill out. Stop panicking. If I was okay before, I am not now when you start blowing up my phone freaking out simply because I did not immediately answer you.
B.) What could I possibly be doing?....
This one is the worst in my opinion. It is very insulting to me that some people think because I have cancer I literally have nothing going on in my life other than sitting and waiting for them to call or text. I do in fact still have a life and I have the right to be busy. It should not be so completely shocking to you that I could possibly not be able to answer my phone at every given moment of every given day. And let us say that I am not out running errands or hanging out with someone or working or writing or talking to someone else or cooking or cleaning or showering or playing a game…let us say that I have literally just curled up on the couch and turned on a movie. Well I have the right to not answer then either. There is nothing wrong with that. It does not mean anything about you, my feelings for you or question our relationship…No. It means I wanted to watch a movie and will call you when it is over. It really is that simple.
C.) I’m mad at you….
This one I saved for last, because it is the craziest to me. I can understand if you call or text and I do not respond for a few days. Absolutely. Ask me what is going on, because that is not like me. However, after only a couple hours? Really? It is enough to make me wonder if you have done something I should be mad about and I just do not know it yet.
Another reason I do not understand this one is because anyone who knows me knows it is incredibly hard to make me mad. As a matter of fact this was a topic that came up the last time I played a game of True Colors with some friends. I was voted the least confrontational, because stuff just does not bother me that way. If something happens I assume there was a reason. I follow a very simple rule when looking at people who are in my life:
If a friend does something that bothers you, consider for a moment if this is normal behavior for them or not normal behavior for them. If it is normal (which it rarely is) then instead of judging them for doing it and being who they are, question yourself for not being a strong enough person to just acknowledge differences you cannot accept and walk away. If it not normal, then instead of being mad, assume there has been some mistake or trouble that can be fixed, because it is clearly not them and not intended. There is no need to create stress in friendships beyond that.
The last reason this reaction baffles me is that another thing most people know about me is if something happens that breaks through my friendship philosophy and I really am mad…well you already know about it. Because when I get mad, I really get mad, and it is not the kind of mad where I just do not talk to you for a few days. If I am ignoring you, you know exactly why, exactly what I have to say about it and exactly what needs to be done to fix it. Of course these are crazy rare occasions, but yes they happen and no they are not quiet moments spent avoiding your text. If I am mad then I feel you need to know why or the whole thing is wasted and nothing can be fixed. What is the point in that? Basically what I am saying is if you have to ask me if I am mad then I am not mad, and you should probably already know that if you text and call me regularly.
4.) Your Opinion Has More Weight When It Is Not About Mine
You all already know that I am on steroids, and the steroids make me very hungry. A natural response to being hungry is to eat more food, which I have been. A common side effect of eating more food is gaining weight, which I have been, barely.
Now this can be a sensitive subject, because most people are uncomfortable with the idea of gaining weight and knowing there is very little they can do about it until they are done with treatments and off of steroids. No one likes trying on their clothes and having them fit a little snugger. No one likes looking in the mirror and seeing a slightly puffier face, but it is also just part of what I am going through, and it is not enough of a concern for me to bother starving myself when my body is so adamantly demanding food. So my normal reaction is to make jokes and to remind the people who are eating with me as I reach for my third helping that it is just the steroids and I should be done shortly. Most people smile and tell me to keep eating and remind me my body needs it and say any of the hundred perfect things people would say in that situation. I really appreciate that and it warms my heart to have such wonderful eating companions. However there are others who think they need to take another approach. Please do not be one of the people who say things like:
“Are you sure you want to eat that?” as I am fixing a mid afternoon snack between lunch and dinner.
“How much weight have you gained?” as I describe my delicious meal to someone.
“You’re face looks like it has gained weight,” as I munch on carrot sticks.
“You’ll be able to start working out again eventually,” when I simply say hello.
“Didn’t you already eat a big dinner?” as I ponder the temptations of frozen yogurt.
I guess my biggest question is what are you possibly hoping to gain, other than making me feel bad and self conscious by saying these things to me? Do not be rude. Do not judge me. Do not take a girl who is already aware of the side effects of her steroids, and is battling with that knowledge as she makes every single meal choice and point out to her the very things that concern her the most. Steroids make me so hungry that the physical act of eating has become one of my biggest excitements of my every day. Do not take that away by trying to make me feel food guilt.
Keeping in mind that I have nothing to justify to you, I still will point out some very simple things. In the first six weeks of chemo, I have actually only gained three pounds so far which is very good. The “weight gain” you see is actually uncomfortable swelling and bloating from the steroids, so thank you ever so much for pointing it out to me and making me feel fat at the same time. Shame on you. If you think I look heavier, just smile, tell me I look good even if it is a lie and hand me a damn piece of pie, you fool.
5.) A New Take On Personal Customer Interactions
My final one is from the time period when I was first diagnosed, but it is a funny one so I wanted to share it. When I first got diagnosed with cancer there was a whirlwind of doctors and nurses and aides every single day that I was meeting for the very first time. I was amazed at how many people in the medical community happen to be customers of my store. So many people recognized me as the girl who serves them coffee and would comment on my café and customer service. When I told my boss this she asked, “How do you feel about it? Is it awkward?” I said, “Well it depends. Sometimes it happens while I’m in the waiting room and it is really awesome and I like it. Other times it happens while I’m sitting in the exam room and it’s awkward, because...well…I’m naked.” I know medical people are just naturally more comfortable around naked people, but I want to share a thought on patient comfort. If you see a girl who serves your coffee and you want to tell her hello and talk about her shop, let the poor thing get dressed for it first. She is proud of her work, and glad you come in regularly, but does not want to think about the fact that you are one of her customers watching her get naked and get examined by a doctor. It is kind of embarrassing.
So, there are only five here and I could have gone on a bit more, but I think this entry has already turned into another long one for you to read. I hope you have enjoyed this list of do nots and maybe found them to be humorous if not helpful. I also want you to know that to be fair, I have made quite a few mistakes myself in the realm of cancer tactfulness and I have learned a few personal do nots I should not have done to you! This will be the next post and I hope you will enjoy them as well. J
