Hello 2012. It's nice to meet you.

                I sit on the precipice of this new year in the quiet comfort of my apartment.  New Years has always been a complex holiday for me.  On the one hand I think it is silly how much stock people put into the new year being a “clean slate” or an opportunity for new resolutions.  After all, if we need to make changes should not personal growth and evaluation be an ongoing process that does not hinge on one particular day?  Also, do the things that dirty our slate, so to speak, not make us who we are?  And if they are so bad that we need to be rid of them, do we honestly believe that in just the simple passing from 11:59 to 12:00 that our personal evils will be wiped away to be forgotten and forgiven?  Of course not, and yet this holiday is charged with the electricity of those hoping for new beginnings and a better year...those hoping to change who they are…who they will be.

                And maybe I find this holiday so confusing, because on the other hand I still manage to get caught up in this seasonal internal reflection despite how I feel about it.  I find myself thinking on my failures of the past year.  I find myself making goals for the year to come, and mostly just hoping, as always, to find myself a little better off than I was the year before.

                Traditionally, by this time I have acknowledged the passing of another year without being published.  Another year of not working toward a degree.  Another year of not being as physically fit as I had hoped.  Another year of not seeing family and friends as much as I would have liked.  Another year of not enough money put into savings…the list could go on.  I look for any improvements I may have made, and focus on goals to make the next year count more.  I expect each year to be better than the last and for me to have made it farther along on my self-imposed life timeline of accomplishments.

                However, this year feels different.  Where in the past I had expectations, this year I feel none.  One thing this past year has taught me is that I do not know what to expect out of life, and if I believe I do I can very easily be made a fool.  Where in the past I acknowledged the passing of another year without meeting goals, this year I simply acknowledge the passing of another year.  Another thing this past year has taught me is that sometimes just the passing of time is a big enough thing to remark on.

                And so maybe this year I did not get published despite sending in a couple of works.  Maybe this year I did not go back to school despite the steps I had taken to start again.  Maybe this year I’m walking away the most out of shape I have ever been.  Maybe this year is ending without as much financial padding as I had hoped.  But also maybe for the first time I am okay with all of that.  Maybe I can acknowledge it has been one hell of a year.  But maybe I can say I am alive and well and here to see another year, and maybe, just maybe, that is enough for now.