Life has a timeline. This I know and have known forever, but never before with such an overwhelming force of awareness. I have no intentions of dying young. I have no intentions of losing to cancer. I have no intentions of missing out on a great many things, but as always, with or without intentions somewhere my life will stop. This is not news to me or to you, Reader. This is life, and possibly one of the most beautiful aspects of it.
It is the reminder of this that pushes most people forward. If we were to live forever, what then would be the pressure to do…to see...to be? An array of tomorrows would present themselves in our vision as we so casually ignored our hopes and dreams…the forever promised future.
I have never been afraid of knowing that one day I will die. If anything I have always tried to keep this thought at the core of my decisions. Do today what you cannot live without doing.
However, on certain days, I cannot bear this thought of limited time. I also cannot banish it from my mind. And on those certain days I find that I am rendered motionless by my desperate need to be moving. How can I make decisions about my time, when I am overwhelmed with the knowledge of a limited future? How can I ignore these thoughts when I am afraid of wasting even just one moment?
Reader, I have cancer and am on chemo. I am not talking about huge life decisions. I am not considering the actual who’s, what’s and where’s of the future me as a person in this world. I am talking literally about the few options I have to fill the hours of my day. These alone can present me with so much debate and pressure that hours, yes, literally hours later I am sitting and thinking on what I could be doing.
When I was working I made a decision every five minutes. I made small decisions. I made big decisions. I made really good decisions. No one would look at me and say, “There is someone who does not know what to do.” These are the decisions that come naturally to me. I feel I can march right back into work and know exactly what to say and do. I am craving returning to work just to be able to decide something for myself once again. But if they could see me now torn to pieces between reading, watching a movie or writing? Struggle to know whether I should call a friend or play a video game? Need to pause between doing laundry or putting together a photo album? What would they say then…their words are made too obscure by the cloud of uncertainty for me to know.
It is the moments in actual life that have my feet stumbling. If every moment is one that needs to be lived with satisfaction, then every moment is also a chance of regret. I am terrified to not do so many of those little things.
Regret. Guilt. Lost time. Such large words that carry enough responsibility to crush even the most determined body. I am afraid to move by the fear of losing. I hate this, because if there is one way to look back with any kind of sorrow it will be in knowing that I did nothing at all….
So Reader, this is not some cosmic question…This is me asking you, how do you decide? Do you face these moments and question how to move forward? Do you consider that with each moment you have an opportunity to live or rather an opportunity to wish you had lived? Even sitting there, reading this blog do you ask yourself if time spent doing this is time you will remember and need? If you can offer any peace I would so gladly listen.
There are times when I'm driven to a near panic when I think of all the time I could've spent towards the myriad of stories and worlds I want to create have been squandered in some form of entertainment. If half the time I spent online or gaming was spent writing, I'd be a prolific author by now.
ReplyDeleteBut I've come to accept - or try to accept - that time spent is gone. There are no returns, refunds or substitutions. No, I didn't write my magnum opus, but I was enjoying myself then. For that moment in time, I was happy and entertained. To worry over that time spent is fruitless and could be spent either writing or playing.
We can't control time. Time management is mostly a delusion - each leaf in the river, trying to pick our path down the current.
I can't say "deny regret," because that would be silly. But I would say accept it. The past has passed, you regret it passed, and now there is the present. Watch the movie. You didn't get to write? Do it now. You could've done it then, but you didn't, you can't have, and you won't have. The sky is blue. They're both true and beyond your grasp.
But you can do the laundry now. No? Write. No? Game. No? Enjoy you're still here as a Pepper. Don't think of it as missed opportunities, but fond memories. And if they're not fond, well, that's what forgetfulness is for.
Hakuna matata, Pepper.
I truly believe that the only way that one can waste a moment is not to be present in the moment. I find myself disconnected with what is going on right around me at times, like getting caught up in a “what if” train of thought. During these times, I may have missed a child laughing, a friend’s smile, and I may have completely missed a cool breeze that wrapped around me. Everyone, regardless of environment, situation, etc. wonders if they are doing enough, or doing the right thing at some point in their life (even the small things). It is completely normal, and we all struggle with it. We are all just doing the best we can. Soak up every moment with everything you have. Every moment worrying is a moment lost. Love your past moments because they made you who you are, which is a very beautiful and strong person.
ReplyDeleteThese lyrics affected me as a teenager, and I try to still live by them even today.
ReplyDelete"I can't control
my destiny
I trust my soul
my only goal
is just to be
There's only us
there's only this
Forget regret
or life is yours to miss
No other road
no other way
No Day But Today